Lost

New shoes. Long run. Job confusion. PT book. Lost.


It's been a weird few days. Things at the J are winding down a lot and we really only had a two day work week. I'm feeling lazy and without direction. I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to tell myself that's being "productive," but I feel like I'm just kidding myself. I want to do things, but I don't want to do things that cost money. Besides reading and running, I'm fresh out of hobbies. Oh, and I don't want to include watching Netflix.

I don't like not feeling like I have a purpose. I don't like feeling that my purpose is not "purposeful." I can't help but feel like the things I enjoy doing are simple and monotonous. Brainless. I crave work, but I am terrified of duty and responsibility. I feel selfish in my work ethic and my running. Maybe I feel like my only claim is that I'm stubbornly mechanistic with running and setting a schedule. If I'm not known for my "discipline" what else can I be known for?

I haven't heard back from the Alexander YMCA. I won't say I'm nervous, but I am frustrated. There's this whole musical chairs, ring-around-the-rosy going on that, while I understand the hard-and-fast process; I don't understand the reasoning.

I ended up purchasing new trail shoes. So much better. I finally go through all of the PT book. I took a practice exam. I knew more than I thought, but not as much as I want to. It's hard to say what the point of sticking with that.

I'm just scared that I'm getting to yet another crossroads point and I still haven't gotten directions.

The Umstead 100 registration opens tomorrow. I think I will pass on it, but I also think I will regret doing so until/unless another big race after MMTR.

Soundtrack:
"If I Die Young" The Band Perry
"Take me away" Lifehouse